How To Lead A Successful Job Interview And How To Fill In A Job Application

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Note: Author: currently unknown.  
 
1. Wear a walkman to the interview. Repeatedly ask the interviewer to speak up.  
2. Bring fast food and eat it during the interview. Belch loudly. Rate each belch.  
3. If the job is in the computer industry, demonstrate your ability to imitate the sound of a 28.8 bps modem making a connection. Repeat as necessary.  
4. Ask if you can bring your pet to work.  
5. Ask if the company has day-care for pets.  
6. Respond to the interviewer's questions by saying "I'll have to ask my mom."  
7. During the interview, excuse yourself several times to call your mother.  
8. Ask if the company's facilities include a vomitorium.  
9. Plead your fifth amendment rights at least twice.  
10. If the interviewer is a man, tell him he has a very pretty mouth. If a woman, tell her she reminds you of your hamster, Mugsy.  
11. Challenge the interviewer to an arm wrestling match.  
12. After the interviewer shakes your hand, hold it in front of you as if afraid to touch anything, Ask to go to the bathroom.  
13. Rub your cheek repeatedly while staring at the interviewer's cheek. When the interviewer checks to see if she has food on her face, yell "Gotcha!"  
14. Blow spit bubbles. Lots.  
15. Get up and inspect objects in the interviewer's office. Walk behind the interviewer. Don't be afraid to open the interviewer's desk drawers.  
16. When asked a difficult question, get out a colander and put it on your head. Concentrate, while making grinding noises.  
17. Ask about the "benefits package". Wink at the interviewer while asking.  
18. Attempt to catch a non-existent fly. Open a door or window to set it free.  
19. Light what appears to be a marijuana joint, then offer it to the interviewer.  
20. When the interviewer asks how much experience you have, wink lewdly. Several pelvis rocks may help to emphasize this gesture.  
21. Place your tongue in the front of your bottom teeth and keep it there for the entire interview. Explain that you were "jubsd ab da denbdist".  
22. Blow your nose. When finished, switch hands and repeat for the other nostril.  
23. Before sitting down, get the interviewer's trash can and place it in front of you . If necessary, spit in it from time to time.  
24. Have a copy of the Bible on your lap during the interview. Consult it before answering any questions.  
25. Repeat each of the interviewer's questions quietly in your briefcase. Preface each answer with "Jocko says..."  
26. Use your best Peter Laurie voice for the interview. If you have trouble with this, Beavis, Butthead, and Droopy are also quite effective.  
27. Ask to go to the bathroom several times during the interview. Return wearing different clothes each time.  
28. If possible, respond to the interviewer vocally and in sign language.  
29. Before beginning the interview, place ant, roach, and mouse traps at various locations around the room.  
30. After the interview, hug the interviewer. As a related subject, we may get the following example originally posted on fukung.net:  
 
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny.  
 
NAME: Greg Bulmash  
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.  
DESIRED POSITION; Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouIdn't be applying here in the first place.  
DESIRED SALARY: $185.000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.  
EDUCATION: Yes.  
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.  
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.  
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.  
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.  
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.  
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday. Tuesday. and Thursday.  
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.  
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: lf I had one, would I be here?  
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?  
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"  
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.  
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.  
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?; Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.  
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.  
SIGN HERE: Aries.

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